Karkat can feel himself slipping, and finally coming to terms with the realization makes him lose his breath, a sob clawing its way up his throat. It burns with the threat of tears and the pain makes it all the more clear to him that it's happening.
Karkat is too late. Gamzee is no longer his.
The small teen hunches over as he sits cross-legged in front of his husktop, hugging himself. The first cry that leaves his lips brings on red tears and it confuses him because he doesn't cry, he holds it in. He's supposed to be strong. He knew this day was coming; he had the time to prevent it, to change the course of events. But he hadn't because he isn't strong. He didn't have the nerve. He is a failure.
A pained cry fills Karkat's boring respiteblock. The Cancer lets himself be pulled under, allowing his bottled up feelings to finally reach the surface where they turn into heartbreaking screams and fresh tears. Karkat gets on his knees, covering his head with his hands, pulling at his black hair as he turns into himself. He sobs into his sweater.
Why was he so fucking fuckity fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK?!
More loud crying and the brief sound of Karkat gasping for air.
Why was he so unloved?
Gamzee had picked Tavros over him. Karkat knows that he is only Gamzee's moirail, nothing more, but apparently his inner quadrant chart thinks differently. It loves Gamzee with the biggest, brightest red heart, not a pale-oh so fucking pale- diamond. Every time Karkat had had a feelings jam with the Capricorn, there was a spark. Karkat tried to smother it and contain it so it wouldn't grow big and uncontrollable like it was now, but somehow it kindled in his blood pumper. It grew. It spread. It consumed him.
It was his gravest mistake. Stupid little mutant piece of shit. No one loves a fuck up.
Karkat would watch his RomComs and picture himself as the troll being held in his lover's arms. He would be kissed tenderly and be told that he was perfect and loved. So fucking loved. And the troll holding him in those arms was Gamzee. The lips against his were Gamzee's. The words which meant the world to him were Gamzee's.
The Cancer also knows that they are exactly that: movies. They don't fucking understand that Gamzee doesn't love Karkat, that he loves someone else. They don't tell the fragile troll what he's supposed to do if he isn't cherished. RomComs always have happy endings. This is not happy. This is miserable.
Karkat's chest rattles like an empty CD case. He drags his nails up and down his head and pieces of his soft hair fall on his shoulders from the pulling. He puts a hand on the ground to help ease his body down as he lays on the floor, curled in a fetal position. The loud cries have become quieter and softer. Karkat has a runny nose, but he doesn't wipe it away. There are tear tracks running down his red face, but he doesn't touch them. He hasn't cried by himself before; Gamzee is supposed to be here to wipe his face. Without him, he doesn't know what to do.
Tavros is lucky to have an incredible troll like Gamzee as a matesprit. Karkat can see why Gam loves him. The Taurus is cute and shy, friendly, doesn't curse or yell, and loves everybody. He's everything that Vantas isn't.
Karkat looks at his blurry husktop screen with tears still in his eyes. He blinks them away, slowly moving a hand to the mouse pad. His red-rimmed yellow eyes focus on the pester log that is still on the screen.
TC: KaRbRo, ArE yOu AlL uP aNd ThErE?
TC: aRe YoU mOtHeRfUcKiNg AlL rIGhT?
Karkat had forgotten that he was still pestering his moirail. Ten mintues ago the indigo-blood had told him about his new Matesprit, and Karkat had gone stiff like one of the dead beasts Crabdad would bring home to him. Then he had cried, lied on the floor, and is now finally responding to the messages.
CG: I'M FUCKING FINE.
CG: AND I'M REAL HAPPY FOR YOU TOO. I REALLY AM.
TC: (o: tHaNkS! iT's A mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE tHaT mY bRo LoVeS mE bACk.
CG: HE'S LUCKY TO FUCKING HAVE YOU. DON'T LET HIM GO AND ALWAYS FUCKING TELL HIM HOW MUCH HE GOGDAMN MEANS TO YOU. GOT THAT, ASSFUCK?
TC: DiD yOu GeT aLl ThAt FrOm YoUr MoViEs?
CG: YEAH, FROM MY SHITTY MOIVES.
Another throbbing cry.
CG: I HAVE TO FUCKING GO.
TC: aW oKaY, mOtHeRfUcKeR.
TC: aRe YoU SuRe ThAt YoU'rE aLl Up AnD oKaY? )o:
-CG has ceased pestering TC-
No, he isn't okay. He is anything but okay.
Karkat shuts his husktop, closing his aching eyes. Today was just another day where he had come to realize that he really didn't like himself.